Sunday, August 07, 2005

A new poem. Amazing, huh? You'll comment if you know what's good for you. What do you think of the tense change in the middle, and the ending?

The Beached Fiance


the last time we went to the beach
you had a cane and I started
to limp
.
my mother said, "Christine, help him"
when you were out
in the surf and I
.
said "he’s all right" (you were not)
rocks can be so sharp when you’re
barefoot like we both were
.
the next day I loved you to death, my death, and when
I woke up the "you" in you had gone I took you
to the hospital but they said you were
already broken
.
sometimes electricity can help I tried rubber banding
you to a lamp socket
but then I forgot and left you
for a few days
.
when I came back
your mouth was black your fingers singed
I was sorry
but it’s not my fault
no matter what your friends say
.
and I feed you
when I can when I remember
I have to eat, too,
you know
.
who would have thought a sea monkey so difficult
.
when I tried to bury you in the backyard
I got evicted and the police came
and padlocked the front door
and you were still inside
I tried to tell them they said call
animal control
and I said but he’s a fiance and they just shrugged
.
eventually
you went to live
with your mother who fed you tomatoes
and rice all night
after you broke all her Hummel figurines
she tried to call me
but I was disconnected
you had left no forwarding address
.
that’s all behind me now
I have a new husband and sometimes
I feel sorry
I left you in that green room
in the daycare center with your meds
on high and
.
now all you can do is macramé
and whisper to yourself
but hey, that’s life

8 Comments:

Blogger Patry Francis said...

I like the tense change a lot. "You"--as in the narrator of the poem-- says that this is over, but the tense keeps switching back to the present and saying otherwise. There's a lot here.

11:51 PM  
Blogger Christine said...

Thanks! Yeah, I wasn't sure about the tense changes. I think the "love you to death" stanza could be trimmed.

12:24 AM  
Blogger Biotress said...

I came across your blog and just thought I'd say "hi." Congratulations on your chapbook publication! As a writer, I know how exciting that can be. Come check out my poetry at autobiotry.blogspot.com

2:40 AM  
Blogger Michael said...

Christine...

Like nearly everything I have read of yours I was sucked into this and loved it.

The tense change really did not jump out at me - it snuck in the first time through. I had to go back and read it a second time.

12:07 PM  
Blogger ShinWoo said...

I love you

4:53 PM  
Blogger Radish King said...

The sea monkies made me dizzy with glee.

Macramé made me snort. I think it's hilarious.

I didn't notice the tense change, which means it worked for me.

I have your book and I'm going to go read it right now.

11:38 PM  
Blogger Radish King said...

Sea monkey I meant, singular. The big lie of my childhood.

What I really wanted to say was that the beginning half of this poem is entirely stunning. I could give you an in depth reading, I'm really good at it, but since you badgered me into responding, I won't. (I just threw that in there so you'll write a poem with a badger in it.)

These lines, especially, rocked me

the next day I loved you to death

sometimes electricity can help I tried rubber banding
you to a lamp socket


and I feed you
when I can when I remember
I have to eat, too,
you know


who would have thought a sea monkey so difficult

when I tried to bury you in the backyard
I got evicted and the police came
and padlocked the front door
and you were still inside
I tried to tell them they said call
animal control


eventually
you went to live
with your mother who fed you tomatoes
and rice all night


that’s all behind me now
I have a new husband


and whisper to yourself
but hey, that’s life


That's practically the whole damn poem. Now go forth and put badger in a poem for me, and not as a verb.

r

11:45 PM  
Blogger Christine said...

biotress -- thanks for the support. I will check out your blog!

Mike -- thanks! you flatter me mercilessly.

Shin Woo -- I think you're looking for love in all the wrong places.

Rebecca -- I hope you like the book! Sorry for not mentioning it, but I read yours and it's fucking fantastic! I was totally intimidated and in awe!

Oh and thanks for your comments about this poems. It gave me some ideas for rewrite (not a badger rewrite! Although I do have a poem with a bear I have to finish.)

7:57 AM  

Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home