The birthday party for Desiree was so fantastic! except for the fact I felt so dizzy the whole time I thought I was going to faint. These hormones are kicking my ass, knocking me down, and then spitting on my face while I'm down on the sidewalk, sobbing.

There was a good crowd, and they seemed to like my poetry, except for the parts when everyone was talking and I couldn't hear myself over the buzz. They all shut up every time they heard the word "cunt", however, which makes me think I need to make my poems dirtier, just to get attention -- like the unkempt, smelly girl in second grade who could only get people's attention by lifting her skirt and showing her flowered panties. Not that I knew anyone like that.

Anyway, pictures --

Desiree


Crazy funny yelling man, in a performance about pre-adolescent swimming pool hijinks


And who's this?



and funn-ness prevailed at least until I had to leave and wobble myself all the way home.

Hey!! another contest. I might enter it...

Plan B Press

Current contest: Poetry Chapbook

Deadline: March 15, 2006
24 poems (apprx. 40 pages), Fee: $15
Winner gets: 50 copies of winning chapbook, $200 and one sponsored reading

Judge : Daniel Nester, author of God Save My Queen and God Save My Queen II both published by Soft Skull.


Contest Rules


1) Send in Manuscript, Fee, Table of Contents, and list of previously published work, if any, and SASE (if you want a letter response, otherwise we will e-mail)
2) Manuscripts will NOT be returned
3) Our judge does not read all submissions. We have a cache of readers who narrow down the field to a smaller group of semifinalists, which the judge reads. Our readers give comments/feedback. Please keep that in mind.
4) Chapbook must be in English, although there may be passages or words in other languages.
5) Winners of the contest will get a proof copy of the book before it gets printed. With the exception of punctuation and spelling, the manuscript version that the judge picks (fiction or poetry) is the version we are publishing. YOU MAY NOT RE-EDIT YOUR BOOK!
6) We encourage the winner's feedback for the cover image. We will not buy rights for an artist's work.
7) Though available, ISBNs are not included in the contest.
8) You may submit more than one manuscript, but each must be accompanied by an additional reading fee
9) Any manuscripts without fees will not be considered.
10) We reserve the right not to reprint the book, but will consider a reprint if books sell out. A contract will be drawn up if author wishes to reprint
11) Book design is the copyright of Plan B Press. Book may not be printed without Plan B Press's consent. Any cover imagery created by Plan B Press is also the copyright of publisher and may not be reprinted without permission


Plan B Press
PO Box 2080
Philadelphia, PA 19103

Knowing Nester, I think they would prefer experimental type stuff.

Hey, come to the party!

Desiree Burch's Most Splendiforous Birthday Party
a.k.a.

Rage of Aquarius!!!

Friday, January 27th @ 10:30 p.m.
$7 bucks
the Poetry Project, St. Marks Church in the East Village

Featuring
Songs to tickle your secret places by Adira Amram
Praise and Poetry by Regie Cabico
The wild, weird, wonderful of Clay McLeod Chapman
Poems that will kick your ass by Christine Hamm
A tune or two by Kyle Jarrow
Fire by P-Cult (Featuring Anastasia Andino)
Movement for the new millenium by Red Metal Mailbox
Something special by Eric Sanders
The Musical STuDs Stuckey & Murray

&
Some old cheesy music you never thought you'd hear again to shake and break yourself to.

It will be a lot of wild fun, and I am allowed to bring one friend for free.


Who wants to be my friend? Who? Sign up soon!

Another pritty poem.

consider the toad

I like to collect dried-up
roadkill from where the El
Camino is busiest down
the hill I pry it up with my
fingers and put it in a paper
grocery bag I keep my
collection in a basket under
my nightstand when it starts
to smell I sprinkle cinnamon
on it Frisky our German
Shepherd once ripped into my
basket and shredded the dried
animals all over my bed and
carpet ate some then vomited
and then ate some again my
mother got angry and I promised
to stuff them in the garbage
I didn’t not all of them I made
her a soup with the paws of
something poured hot water over
it and added salt but she refused
to eat it she said “no I won’t”

I apologize, brethren, for the long delay in posting but I was caught up in a flurry of paperwork and grading for the class I teach. It is now, thankfully and sadly, over.

Here's another Poem:

Who Loves the Skeleton?

I. it is the skin we cherish

its color, texture,
smell, the sheen of the fine hairs that spring
from it, how in that spot between the breasts
your palm feels like an egg in the nest

the way it hums and shimmers when we
are near something we love, something
that draws us close in the same way we
draw a breath

how it tingles and weeps when it is broken,
how it reminds us that we are made mostly
of water and iron

II. the skeleton is unfamiliar


strange as caves and ships, distant
as a grandfather in another country

the skeleton shines mostly in the teeth
but even they are impolite to show too much
for fear of demonstrating hunger or of letting
something inside
flow out the mouth

I borrowed this from Ivy. I couldn't resist: I wish I'd actually written it myself.

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Christine!

1. Christine is actually a fruit, not a vegetable!
2. There is actually no danger in swimming right after you eat Christine, though it may feel uncomfortable!
3. There are more than two hundred different kinds of Christine!
4. It takes forty minutes to hard-boil Christine.
5. Christine is the only metal that is liquid at room temperature.
6. The water in oceans is four times less salty than the water in Christine.
7. Banging your head against Christine uses 150 calories an hour.
8. A thimbleful of Christine would weigh over 100 million tons.
9. Cats use their Christine to test whether a space is large enough for them to fit through!
10. In Japan it is considered rude to talk with Christine in your mouth.

I am interested in - do tell me aboutherhimitthem

Yes, it's past that time of year already, but if you don't have your calendar, buy a particularly vintage-y and odd one here: old & strange



It does not have pretty colored pics like the one above, but it does have them in the boring, orginal black and white form.

(the cover)

Got my phone!

Thought I'd share an opportunity --

Submit your stuff! Look:

Greetings,

Hot Whiskey is now looking at book-length manuscripts of poetry, prose
and translation for the first perfect bound Hot Whiskey publication.
Manuscripts should be between 60 and 200 pages. Please contact us for
more information.

Hot Whiskey should be printing 1 to 2 perfect bound books a year.

We are also looking at chapbook manuscripts. Current and forthcoming
Hot Whiskey chapbook titles have or will come from Joseph Cooper,
Jared Hayes, Joseph Massey, Elizabeth Robinson and Anselm Parlatore.

Email manuscripts to:

howhiskeypress@gmail.com

or

Send to:

Hot Whiskey Press
1727 Pine St. #1
Boulder, CO 80302

Thanks!

Michael Koshkin and Jennifer Rogers
Hot Whiskey Editors

--
Hot Whiskey Press
www.hotwhiskeyblog.blogspot.com
www.hotwhiskeypress.com

Hey kids,

Haven't been able to update lately because my phone's been cut off. For once in my life, it's the phone company's fault, and not mine for non-payment. I tried to subscribe to DSL and instead they murdered my dial tone. Then they refused to believe my dial tone was murdered, insisted I buy a new phone "just to check the line". Finally, I had to take a day off of work so two charming older and slimey men could enter... my apartment and tell me it was Verizon's fault. After they determined I was not going to sleep with them, they promised to have the phone up that day. Was it? Do bears fly in the woods when no one's there to hear them? And today, the drama continues. It's like I'm... Kafka, and I'm... mysteriously trying to get to a mysterious castle on my mystery feet.

The Good News Is: because of this, I've been going to lots of internet cafes (where I'm now). Because of all these strange computers and their viruses, 200 of my emails from last month, including student papers that I have to grade, are gone. Not deleted. It's like they never existed. Oh wait. That's not good news.

With all the ruckus about Frey, I'm thinking of writing a false memoir myself. And perhaps calling it, "Sea Sick: a false memoir".

The Academy of American Poets is going crazy over my quiz. Again. Every year another group of poets discover my quiz and then immediately start fussing. They would burn me at the stake, if they could, then hang me. For starters. Oh, the drama.

Finally, it's done!



The monster that's been ruining my life for the past two months has been, uh, conquered!

I submitted my application to Fordham's English PhD progrm

Things I learned
at the Poetry Project’s
New Year’s Day Marathon

straight legged jeans are in

it’s hard to make red velvet look bad

people have no respect for my personal space

tattoos are out, faux-hawks in

music makes any poetry sound palatable

it’s cool to sip expensive liqueurs at poetry readings

poets think it’s transgressive to use the word “bitch”

Cheryl B. is funny and fantastic and not a gay man

Bjork’s sound is not unique

George W. Bush is bad

after three hours, my ass gets numb

small dogs are welcome anywhere

Porkpie hats add ten points to your sex appeal

Todd Colby makes me laugh no matter

it’s good to steal staplers from work

certain things roll like thunder

people need to wake up

I am your bitch, man

fill what is empty

conventions are bad

“raincoat” is a euphemism for “rubber”
(I’m kidding, I knew that already)

Resolutions

give up learning to fly
stop poking myself in the eye with a fork
learn to play the tambourine while hanging upside down
(from a jungle gym)
(stop using so many parentheses)

& cut down on words
Become Elizabeth Bishop
grow scales up my left leg
forgive my big toe for all the damage he’s done me
(continue to hate pinky)

Grow hair down to waist overnight
lose 50 lbs instantly
contrast the ceiling with the wall using color!
stop reading my spam
cut off both my hands, see what happens

tie cats to a stranger’s wheelchair
induce seizure by swallowing a gallon of Theraflu
chart results of seizure on my husband’s back
attempt to wake husband at least once

stop believing sleeping dogs, they lie!
Number 1: get trapped inside a helium balloon, float over the sea to Spain

How to Woo Me

Magic Helmet
long underwear
(fragment) is created as a buck
false breasts

loses hair then he knows
crying flower on dead insects
light illuminates them

at end wakes from death
shadow masculine adult
real rickety small childlike
in no way matches proportions

opening note turns upside down and waltzes
wives’ telephone anger
little brown jug vs. blue Danube
music sheet made out of metal

Carmen paints tail
head=piano
forgets on stage
identified by carrot

pants down, flowers, bloomers
violence
barber grows hair
no faces until we see insects

razor Spanish senorita
fantastic running
weapon escalation stopped
by gender confusion

head piano, white gloves
salad head, rose head
ties the end of the gun
so he shoots himself

streams of blue people
lights in the hills
tall Italian bushes
huge cannon, no, huger
and says: what did you expect?
Next!