from 10 Things You Don't Know About Me

My bush is huge. The size of a dinner plate.

Every year, thousands of blue-eyed couples
name their daughters after me.

I have a hole in the sole of my left foot
that weeps pus and smells of roses. The one
time I tried to show it to a nurse she fainted.

I was not put on this earth for your amusement.

Since I had the face of a WASP angel as a child,
my older friends used me to smuggle drugs in
from Canada. I was propositioned by large sad
policemen at the border, but never searched.

The first and second time I cried. And punched
the guy in the mouth. I hit like a girl.

When I open my legs, swallows fly out. They
smell musty, like they've been tied up in a box.

I need to take a large black gleaming pill at 9PM
to sleep at night. This pill has nothing in common
with a gun.

I knew your mother when she was slim-hipped
and bright-haired, before she met your father.
She has always regretted having you.