new poem -- some of you might be noticing a theme here--

The Secrets to a Happy Marriage

Have clear boundaries

When my husband shits in the shower and spreads it all over the bathroom, I spray him with the spray bottle and say “no” sharply. He ignores me and scratches behind his ear until I grab his foot to stop him. I’d threaten to withhold his chow, but we’re beyond that.

Take responsibility for your own actions

I have a problem in that I don’t think anything really exists until I can put it in my mouth. I’ve scalded my tongue on at least ten occasions. There was an incident with a meteorite, then a president. I am still on parole. I got a six-month extension because my husband tried to bite an FBI agent.

Try the direct approach with your mate

I would like a fistful of flowers, please.
No, put them here on my collarbone.
Don’t kiss me, no, I haven’t brushed
my teeth yet. But you may kiss the boil.

Don’t be afraid to follow your dreams

Last night I dreamt I was standing naked in room piled with books. There were puddles of milk on the ceiling. Then I woke up and I was standing naked on my husband’s chest.

Sharing is key

Sometimes I let him share the bed with me, as long as he stays at the foot. If he farts too much, I lock him in the bathroom. I play easy-listening music so I don’t have to hear him howl. My husband likes to go for walks with me in the rain, but when we get back to the apartment he shakes himself and the kitchen gets covered with mud.

Recognize the importance of communication

Sometimes I imagine he still speaks to me. If only I hadn’t sewn his tongue to our daughter. She sprouted wings and jumped out a window when she was six. I never checked to see how she landed. I avoid that window now.

Most of all, celebrate the holidays together

On Valentine’s Day, I go to certain bars. It’s time I started dating again; my husband’s getting lonely cooped up in the apartment all day by himself. He gets into things, humps my shoes. No one’s responded to my personal ad yet, but I saw a few prospects at Starbucks. I’m looking for a man or woman who easily converts into a rabbit.