A poem!

Yes, it's been a while.

This is very rough. Please let me know which stanzas don't work.

The Rules

Do not eat potatoes mixed with milk.

Do not braid your hair too tightly
or your baby may have a small, confused
brain.

Do not watch too much dramatic cinema:
it can cause the baby to cry, hastening its
birth.

Avoid smelling fresh lilacs or gladiolas;
they can cause unsettled dreams.

Do not allow yourself to be frighten by rats
in the cupboard, or your child may have
fur all over its body.

Do not mix tea with honey, or the baby
may emerge golden and lax.

Avoid striped cats, especially if they
are missing an eye.

Do not sit within a foot of a fish tank;
the baby may turn green and melancholy.

Do not speak harshly to your mother;
her tears can enter your milk and sour it.

Avoid eating spaghetti spiced with too
much garlic -- your child will be colicky
and of angry disposition.

Avoid laying-a-bed after eleven o'clock;
the legs will begin to swell and the knees
become fixed.

Do not speak ill of your husband, even
when he can't hear and especially do not
write down words of criticism. Your child
will be born distracted, hating himself.

Do not ride in a boat just before birth;
the child will resemble a turtle and slip
down the toilet when your head is turned.

Avoid staring too long at the child
passing by in a stroller, no matter
how teary and curious her enlarged
eyes, or your child will be envious
and thin.

Most of all, do not read overmuch,
as the ink will stain the baby's hands
and she will emerge marked already,
guilty.